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CHURCH BULLETIN "Bloopers"
Actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

* Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

* Thursday night, potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church.  Children will be baptized at both ends.

* Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social.  All ladies giving milk will please come early.

* Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

* Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.  All wishing to become little mothers please see the minister in his study.

* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet.  All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.

* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.

* At the evening service tonight, the topic will be "What is Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.  He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.  His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make you a deal.  You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little more and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car.  They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you.  You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't cut your hair. 

The young man waited a moment then replied,  "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that.  You know, Sampson had long hair, Moses had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair..."

To which his father replied...."Yes and they walked everywhere they went."

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Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.  Finally, his big sister had enough.  "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?  They're called hushers."

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A little boy goes up to his pastor and says, "When I grow up, I am going to give you a lot of money."

The pastor was very touched but also curious so he asked, "Why do you want to do that?"

The boy replied, "Because my daddy said that you're the poorest preacher he's heard in a long time."

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Can you spell cooperation with 2 letters?

WE

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Signs on Church marquees

1. "The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."

2. "Under same management for over 2000 years"

3. "Soul food served here."

4. "Tithe if you love Jesus!  Anyone can honk!"

5. "You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving."

6. "Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"

7. "Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."

8. "We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rocks"

9. "Don't give up.  Moses was once a basket case!"

10. "Come early for a good Back-seat"

11. "Life has many choices, Eternity has two.  What's yours?"

12. "Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."

13. "A man's character is like a fence.  It cannot be strengthened by whitewash."

14. "Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"

15. "Preach the gospel at all times.  Use words if necessary."

16. "Delay is preferable to error.

17. "It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."

18. "What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?"

19. "A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."

20. "The wages of sin is death.  Repent before payday."

21. "Never give the devil a ride.  He will always want to drive."

22. "Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."

23. "Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

24. "May is God's apology for February."

25. "To belittle is to be little."

26. "Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you."

27. "God answers knee mail."

28. "Try Jesus.  If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back."

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"We respectively request, and entreat, that due and adequate provisions be made this day and the date hereinafter subscribed, for the organizing of such methods and allocations and distribution as may be deemed necessary to properly assure the reception by and for said petitioner of such quantities of baked cereal products as shall, in the judgment of the aforementioned parishioners, constitute a sufficient supply thereof."

INTERPRETATION of Legal Jargon: "...give us this day our daily bread."

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Last Updated: 10/03/2003